Knowing that you don't know's definitely freedom.

Because I still have this rash around my eye I took a leave today and obviously what else do we do when we're sick and at home? We think about things.

Well, not really. I usually just lay in bed all day, sometimes asleep and most times with the laptop. 4 tabs are open: gmail, facebook, twitter, and an extra tab for which my current "what to read up today?" is set. That 4th tab is usually spent on blogs, with no particular subject.

Today wasn't different; I lay in bed but this time with the most indulgent feeling that it is a monday and I am at home, with my 4 tabs to keep me ~busy.

Today's 4th tab:

"July 12, 2013

Matter-of-fact 

After getting a life insurance plan with retirement benefits a few months ago, I immediately told a sibling that maybe he should get one too. He quipped, “E pano kung mamatay ka before 65?"

I replied, “E di may 1 million each si Mommy at Daddy."

Recounting this conversation now, I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry at the manner with which I answered him: nonchalant, matter-of-fact, shrugging even. Now I ask: Is the focus on a purely financial consequence of one’s death some kind of hidden defense mechanism? Or is it evidence of one’s acceptance of everyone’s inevitable mortality? 

I want to believe it is the latter, but I guess it really is difficult to grasp dying for someone so young and someone who has so much to live for. Maybe it’s the fear and the hope that actually move people forward; living, breathing.. until it stops."

Original post here.

That's my friend's blog entry, and I found it short enough to evoke some thinking.


---

I googled Existentialism.

The first few paragraphs on this was overwhelmingly complicated. I am not well versed with philosophies, but these different explanations of how to view the world fascinate me.

Read up a few of its concepts, and I could say existentialism is what makes us ponder about life's meaning. That deep, long thought, essential life meaning.

I mean really,

What. is. life's. meaning?

I give you 5 seconds.

...

Did you just define it through the people around you, your achievements, the roles you play in circles that you belong to?

If so, then that is exactly what existentialism is not about. Lol I am not helping am I?

The philosophy has a detached approach to life and I find myself relating to some of its concepts. And I don't say that's necessarily bad (nor good).

The two existentialist concepts that will really make you think are:

1. Existence precedes essence

2. Absurdism

The first just says that we first exist, and that's that. Anything that comes after is just a role that we assume, whether by force or not. This is what I mentioned above that thinking of the roles we play in society is only secondary to the fact that first, we existed, free from anything. Let me borrow Sartre's words, my direct source being wikipedia (please don't judge me i know wiki's not a legit source but it did explain it well i know i know i know):

"...man first of all exists, encounters himself, surges up in the world – and defines himself afterwards." Of course, the more positive, therapeutic aspect of this is also implied: A person can choose to act in a different way, and to be a good person instead of a cruel person. Here it is also clear that since humans can choose to be either cruel or good, they are, in fact, neither of these things essentially.

Right? Existence, precedes essence. Says the existentialist.

The second one, in its most simplistic form, says that the human mind always has the tendency to seek for "inherent value", inherent meaning.. and realize that the human mind is unable to do that. Such an absurd case, if you think about it. To always have that tendency to seek, but always have that answer of NO - ya can't find it.

The point of absurdism is that since the human mind is unable to grasp all of the unknown, that we are not able to define all things with certainty, then we won't be able to satisfy our tendency to define things' inherent meaning - and that includes life. That in the end, life's meaning is whatever meaning we give to it.

Life's meaning is whatever meaning we give to it.

Life's meaning is whatever meaning we give to it.

And it can mean nothing.

The other concepts of existentialism are just as interesting (especially The Other and The Look), most of them converging to the idea that - and this is just from what I understood, I encourage you to read on your own - we always have a choice. The twist is that even if that choice is bad, it isn't really by reason "bad", but only as is dictated by the society. Such as in the concept of angst, where:

..example is the experience one has when standing on a cliff where one not only fears falling off it, but also dreads the possibility of throwing oneself off. In this experience that "nothing is holding me back", one senses the lack of anything that predetermines one to either throw oneself off or to stand still, and one experiences one's own freedom.

Now that's what you call a choice. That because "everything is just subjective, I can move separate from that subjectivity (or essence) and just be free (exist)."

See, kind of twists your perspective, right? It's liberal in thinking, and honestly, I don't know my point in writing this entry. Obviously i'm free writing and just putting here thoughts. My incoherent paragraphs are a proof of that. Like now. See?

Thinking about it now, I guess this just proves one of my life's philosophies, which is that we see things the way we want to see them.

Something like that. That everything is about perspectives. And then there's positivity, the concept of silver linings.

Life's meaning, I think, really can't be inherently defined. But who cares? If I am writing this entry now, boggled but convinced at the same time, then I guess I'm living my life. Confused, interested, aware, seeking, living. There is simply nothing worse than knowing how it ends. (Oh hey Panic! At the Disco I borrowed your words thanks you're awesome)

I'm happy, at least as I write this, I am happy. And that's how I view this day's life.

I hope that at least even for today, yours is awesome too.



----
Started this entry 2 Mondays ago, continued it today. One of those nights that we're up and thinking. Or hey wait, I had a box of chocolate chip cookies earlier. Yeah, sugar rush I guess.

This weather.

Today the skies chose to be more melancholic. 2 months of intense heat and vibrance just calls for this sepia dreamy filter to finally set the mood.

--

Am really more of the summer kind of girl, beaches and fruit shakes all over. I prefer being the "sunshine-y" one over the emo, though i find nothing wrong in including some emotions in the mix.

--

A friend once told me, "emotions are valid."

There are times where I question my self for having feelings, thinking about things, replaying memories, imagining the future. And I tell myself that I am an idiot for doing so. That what I'm feeling really isn't worth any time, whether mine or others'.


But no, emotions are valid.

--

And then i see this quote,

"The most solid advice for a writer is this, I think: Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough." - Ernest Hemingway

You will be dead soon enough.

And all the more I just want to dive in humanity. To just stop and think a while, talk a while, feel a while. What are you doing now? What am I doing now.

--

Strength is not to ignore emotions. Strength is to acknowledge and face it. It's a good adjective to receive. And after you've realized that you are strong, you'd just once again want to be vulnerable. To subject yourself to that rollercoaster again, because after learning that you'll get through it, you'll next realize that these rides are what makes you. They makeup life, they make you who you are.

--

They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

And some say that is not true.

I once said that yes, it is not true. The pain, was painful. The meaning of painful, look it up. But I'd advise you not to try it.

But now that I think about it, it is true.

Because you'll live. And you'll see that the other side is rewarding. And you'll be thankful you went through it, because growth was waiting for you. And you'll blossom. And you'll dance. And you'll discover. And you'll live. Really live. And you'll just be thankful.

--
This weather. Makes you think. Good and bad, good and bad.

The infinity of a second.

You wake up sometimes and you think it's just another day. Then as you consume the hours of it, a moment comes where you get the chance to pause, realize the every detail of your existence, and can't help but smile with the reassurance that you are exactly where you want to be.

Do you get those moments? Like jolts of realizations where that feeling of gratitude won't subside?

"Thanks Brother, I am truly happy for this exact second, that I am on this chair, working at the 2nd slide of my presentation, enjoying all else around me."

It's totally random.

These moments don't come because something happened, or someone said something. Or sure, it may be the accumulation of the little things involving those, but to exactly pinpoint its cause is impossible.

These moments, these random, bordering-crazy moments, are priceless.

---

2012 has been a good, blessed year for me. And I know, 2013 will be even more awesome.

Happy new year, fellas. To more of these priceless moments, cheers!


---

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got. - Art Buchwald

Friends Out of Convenience.

Relationships out of convenience.

I have this internal battle of 2 concepts going on in my head, for the past few... minutes. Past 15 minutes maybe. I wanted to tweet about it but I couldn't express my thoughts in less than 140 characters, so I shall go freewriting instead. Mind exercise.

"Friends, relationships, out of convenience."

I've only recently been introduced to this perspective. I didn't really look at things this way; and now that I know this angle, it's a pain to reconcile it with my past (I mean current) outlook. I like this and I like my old (current!) one also. Deym.

This "relationships out of convenience" idea says that the people in my circle are precisely the people in my circle because they just happened to be there. *I am so not eloquent right now.* I mean, my friends just became my friends because we happened to be seated side by side by side during the first day of school. Or because we all got hired for work at the same time for the same type of post. Or because we ended up as groupmates after being randomly grouped by the prof. That it all happened and developed out of convenience.

It's been introduced to me at a negative connotation, that I do not put myself out there "enough" so I only get to know people who happen to come cross my path. (note that they cross/ed my path, not us meeting halfway) There's nothing wrong there, I think, but let's just say I could be more there.

So what does it clash with in my pre-idea-explained-above self?

I've mentioned it in passing in my Chapter Two post.

"I am not the type of person to enjoy life through mixers, dating, or "meeting new people" in random (or not so random) places. That's just not me. I prefer the organic way of things."

That's pretty much it. But just to cook the idea more, my belief is that I do what I want to do, I do not do what I do not want to do, and I don't care. *not eloquent today. yes yes?* I mean, I like it organic. Nothing forced. Nothing out of my convenience.

Goodness, I think this is what others call "fate".

Right?

And I'd really rather not call it that, fate, because I do not believe in it (in its dictionary definition). I say I make my own fate. So if I decided to sit on that exact chair, fate did not bring me there. I brought me there. There's self empowerment and self direction and all that other self worth shiz underneath that backs up such belief, so it really isn't more "fate" as it is "wanting things to develop on its own."

Right?

I don't know.

And then there's just no reconciling it with having faith, in God's plan, that everything has a purpose. Which is it?

Still don't know.

Is this a cultural conlfict? Just a difference in upbringing?

My "conservative" (and I am using the word loosely here) preference versus the "I am young and up for adventures" side of self. That after I've known the rules, I get to play some game. It's just difficult to play it, right? After just knowing how to do it, to actually doing it. .  .  . And again I digress.

...

Regroup regroup. My thoughts are all over.


I think what I'm trying to harmonize here is that I like things to go to the direction that they do without me steering the wheel too much. I let it take its course, and I don't actively turn it blindly. And then there's the idea of not wanting to be limited. I want to know my roads, I want to see where I could be, whether or not I drive it there. And I could, if I wanted to, so I want to see those possibilities.


I still do not know if I am making sense.


Thank you for being boggled with me. Or if you're not, thoughts please? :)


And just so we all know where all this blab is coming from, all of these things are a product of some insights exchange with an officemate. We come from different backgrounds so there's a lot to learn from each other's side, one of them this whole trail. And yes, we were mostly talking about romantic relationships (bet you knew that already), because i'm single and officemate's not.


Cool to have new perspectives. Sorta twists your own. Good and bad. Good and Bad. :)

Chapter Two

I've been part of the not-in-a-relationship world for about 6 months now. That's half a year for my Chapter One. For the purpose of my melodramatic corny mood, let's name that chapter, The Aftermath.

And how has it been? Not bad. It's been great. :) Work is enriching, and the people I'm with are a handful of morons. Morons like me, morons that make me laugh, morons that I love. My worklife really has been a blessing, keeping me busy and teaching me to enjoy life.

Ze Morons

I honestly feel like a teenager all over again. Wait scrap that. I feel like I'm only being a teenager now. I haven't really been this free, this sociable, and easygoing. It's such an accomplishment that I've been drinking (do not paint a wasted girl's picture yet, I have good control -- which is kind of a bummer when i feel like drinking to get really wasted, if you ask me.) out and having dinners/tambay with workmates on weekdays, spontaneous dinners with my bestfriends, and talking more with friends that I've lost touch with since I've been in a relationship. 

In retrospect, I was a good lover, but a terrible friend. And I will never let that happen again. When I enter into a new relationship, I'll make sure to still get my friends up in the picture. But we're getting ahead of ourselves here...

I like what one of my bosses said when he learned that I "just" got out of a 4andahalf year relationship. "Okay lang yan. I-enjoy mo lang."

It's the simplest, most uncomplicated advice I have received, but he said it at such a timing that I was able absorb its most bare meaning. I-enjoy mo lang. And that's what I am doing now.

I am not the type of person to enjoy life through mixers, dating, or "meeting new people" in random (or not so random) places. That's just not me. I prefer the organic way of things. The slow growth of feelings, developing something that wasn't really intended, knowing that bonds have been formed beneath just the romance. I'm a romantic like that. May or may not be obvious IRL though. Hihi.

So when I say enjoying, it's really more of being able to look at life with nothing to worry about. I have the world in my hands. I will be turning 25 later this year and I am lucky that I am enjoying and experiencing life at this phase. I feel like my decisions matter more, what I say and do have legit consequences, and that I am a part of the world and the world is a part of me. 

Why end Chapter One at 6months? Because I was able to talk with ex just last night. 

I recently marched at UP to officiallize (such a word?) my graduation even though I've been working for about 5 months now. To cut the story short, I was inviting some of my batchmates/orgmates to go out for dinner and catchup. My graduation is a good excuse to force that. Haha. One of my orgmates wanted ex to come, and of course, knowing that ex and I are okay now, I texted him. oh wait. I think I have to define "ex and I are okay now" first.

Rewind:

The details are unimportant, but I forgot to tell you about us meeting earlier this year to return a few things to each other. No, it's not like those cheesy gift-returning things. He gave back my external optical drive and 2 books, and I returned his book too. These are important things. Haha. The meetup was good, we updated each other about our lives/work, and it was at this meetup where I realized that we really are better friends than lovers. To make you understand it more, pareho kaming may pagka-gago. Haha. The friend connection is still there even though the romantic side has ended. I'm proud that we're mature that way.

Fast forward to our conversation last night. The biggest update I received was that --- he now has a new girlfriend.

How would you react to that? Seriously, do not continue reading yet. Think about it, and try to think of how to process that kind of news.

Reacting isn't too easy, no? I was surprised. I didn't really expect the news, but I later realized that it's no longer my business. Now this may sound hypocritical, but I am sincerely happy he's happy now.

He was apologetic for a couple of texts, and I would understand why he is. He said he was feeling guilty of having a new girlfriend before I had a new boyfriend, and that 6 months is too short of a time. I would think that too, I guess. But thinking about it, I've already moved on too. And the only difference is that I am in a relationship with the world. 

I know he's sincere with it. He's a good guy. But I wanted to free him from that feeling, because really, aside from and more than the fact that I've moved on myself, what he does no longer concerns me.

We had a good talk about it, and I am happy that we had the conversation. I remember How I Met Your Mother's "No Pressure" episode. This moment reminded me of Ted's realization about his relationship with Robin. It's done, and it's the official step that we had to have. Here and now is a good place and time. I am thankful for exactly this minute, this second.

"...it's like making a new chapter even more official. i feel so free. congrats to us. ... am excited for our own lives. :) ..."

A line from our exchanges.

We both agreed that the talk really made us more comfortable with each other, that we are both happy in our separate ways now. Wala nang awkward moments. 

Ending things without a clear reason is always a difficult thing. Difficult because the acceptance stage will linger a while longer, because you do not know exactly what you are accepting. But the thing that I probaly picked up from this is that not everything needs a reason. I am one of those logical people who always relies on reason more than intuition; so you could just imagine me trying to figure things out. But in the end, knowing the reason no longer matters. It's about valuing your life and not being trapped in a world that no longer exists. You paint your world, so pick up the bright colors.

It's like watching one of those investigation shows, and the case ends up not being solved. It's difficult to move on from, you formulate theories, obssess about it for some time, but you eventually forget it and move on. It's a more interesting story, in my opinion. And you learn more from it, because you get to look at a lot of angles. It makes for good growth.

We are now completely free from each other. And I am looking forward to meeting the one for me. :)

"The first guideline in using your time wisely is to remember that today is the most important day of your life. If you live in the past, there is no hope for the future; if you live in the future, there is no hope for today. Tomorrow may never come, the past is a matter of record, but today lies in your grasp. If you would use today wisely, you must remember that time doesn't slip through your hand an hour at a time. It trickles through your fingers a second at a time. Make up your mind that every second is important." - Dr. Harold Sala

Chapter 2, here we go.

Pink 5ive

I guess I felt it. The slow loss of your warmth. But I never really wanted to see it, as I always only thought of it as you being tired with work. And of course, you had all the right to be tired. So I wanted just to be there massaging you when you have headaches, or gliding my fingers through your hair as I fix it; even though you look amazing whether or not you comb.

It's all my fault; I now realize.

Realizations only come when we are somewhere between the stages of being hurt and moving on. It's when we're a little past that stage of sudden crying while taking a bath, commuting, or eating; and right at the start of the phase of being strong and regrouping your life.

Then you ask yourself, "are these realizations, absolute truths, or my truths?"

I remember you in everything that I do. I walk around Megamall and remember our dates; I eat at World Chicken and I think of our usual order. Heck, my bed sheets now are a gift from your parents. But I take them all in. I close my eyes and savor the memories, and try to smile as I fight my tears.

Am I now really starting to regroup? Am I actually able to stand up from this in less than a month? I do not have a choice. I may be rushing into healing that I only get to put band aids on my wounds without really cleaning and treating them. But. The world won't wait for me. I gotta keep up.

It doesn't really matter. Whatever gets you going, whatever will help you become a better person, and whatever will help you heal your shattered heart, is all the truth you need. Trust yourself in knowing what you did right and what you did wrong. And it will be easier to move along with truths that are accepted by the heart and mind.

Acceptance. You acknowledge, you nod. And you hope that it may change. You accept, you embrace. And let go of your own ways. I still cry and get sad every now and then. I acknowledge that. But for now, the world leaves me with no choice but to a life that is to start from scratch.

And I embrace it.

---
Freewriting while idle earlier in the afternoon. Started this trail of thought when I heard Silent Sanctuary's "Pink 5ive" play on the radio, hence the title.

The day I cut a few things

I truly hope I get to keep this post short. Because on this day, the day I cut my boyfriend's hair, I ended up cutting a lot more.

Tools

Before the renegade

Libreng gupit! (excuse the pambahay outfitey)

Evidence

After

So, how did I do? I let boyfriend use one of my loose pambahays as his "haircut shirt", then he showered after all the feeling-propesyunal-na-barbero stint of mine was over. Not a lot was cut off but boyfriend likes it. He says i'll do all of his future haircuts from now on. Coolio.

My boyfriend. My boyfriend. The. Boyfriend.

Ah.

The day after this haircut happened, the boyfriend and I had a fight.

That was last week.

No it wasn't because of the haircut.

It was serious. Scary serious.

We've never had a major fight in our four years and four months of being together.

Until this day. Or well, last week.

A lot of things that has never been said and done, were said and done. A lot of emotions, a lot of.. yes. I don't wanna bore you.

And I don't wanna cry.

I should say, without any exaggeration, that I've had the greatest scare of my life this day. Or well, last week. And it had something to do with me having to cut everything off with my life. (ghoent code: my life = my bf) 

Lalalala.

Don't judge.

Thank God.

Thank God.

We are working things out now.

We are talking, and healing, and learning from all that happened.

I learned a lot. I really did.

I pray that what was cut, will be replaced by something new.

I know that it will never be the same.

But I sure pray that it's  a lot stronger.

Today we hit our largest bump yet. Or well, last week.

There are some scratches. But I know it's all in the surface.

And deep down, we're still in it for the long haul.

At least I hope so.

And I truly and will forever pray so.

And will surely unendlessly work hard for.

And certainly [wish I] know so.

All blessings are blessings

This past week has been a blessed week for me.

But the weeks before this, were heartbreaking.

Boyfriend's father suffered a mild stroke about 3 weeks ago. And dear bf couldn't sleep. He and his two sisters are here in Manila, while their mom and dad are in the province. It was difficult to not be able to do anything. And I was praying really hard that Dado (how we call bf's dad) gets better asap.

Bf's laptop one fine morning decided not to turn on. Yeah, this was about 3 weeks ago too. Files and research of his thesis for his master's, there. His students' exams and records, also there. Having no TV, all else (news, entertainment, updates, communication) are pretty much in there too. I couldn't be more helpless for bf. And I am praying that it gets fixed soon.

My laptop, about 2 weeks ago, also decided not to turn back on. Crazy. It just. felt. crazy. And I am praying that it gets fixed soon too.

Did I mention, that I am unemployed? Well, I'm not really bummed out about that. It just crossed my mind that if I had a job, then I would have been (and be) able to help bf with some financial issues. Bf, being the eldest, I can feel was stressing about all the things that are happening. But being the strong and totally funny and cool guy that he is, he is just taking everything in like it was just challenging his greatness (he is kinda crazy, he says he is a god. lol.).

But God, the One up there, is really the all powerful God. And I can't thank Him enough.

Not all of my prayers have been answered yet. The two laptops are still borken. But Dado is recovering well and I am grateful and thankful for that. Thank You Lord.

I have won two giveaways recently. Gifts are always a beautiful reminder of happy thoughts. And indeed these gifts make me happy. And I am grateful and thankful for that. Thank You Lord.

Bf is getting opportunities as a tutor, aside from him being an instructor. Extra cash is always welcome. I know that his schedule requires him to be a superhero, and thank God he is as strong as one. And on top of that, he still has time for me. And am grateful and thankful for that. Thank You Lord.

I just really want to thank God for giving me bf. He is the best. And I have no idea what I did right to deserve him. I am blessed, and I will forever be thankful and grateful for that. Thank You Lord.

I am not laptop-less. Because we still have our big laptop here at home that I can use for personal and business opportunities. And am grateful and thankful for that. Thank You Lord.

Speaking of business opportunities, God has blessed me. Just a week ago I posted this ad and miraculously, I already have two customers to date. I pray for more customers to come, but really the two customers are testament to God's loving and caring power. The extra cash is all very welcome. I can at least now treat bf to a nice dinner to reward and relax him from all the pressure that I know he is burdened with. Thank You Lord.

A lot of people say that God is overrated. Well, I am not here to convince you otherwise. But I am here to thank God for everything good that He has done for me. The problems I mentioned may be nothing to others, and I am sure that the blessings I mentioned are worth nothing to many. But they all mean everything to me right now. I am not usually like this, very vocal and maybe mushy, but I just feel so blessed. I can't contain it.  So blessed I've got to give it away (love that song). And the only way I can really give back right now is by thanking Him endlessly. Thank You Lord.

Thank You Lord.

--
Thank You Lord, its bf and I's 51st month together. Forevermore to come, please.

Of Dreaming and Contentment

The irony. Can you really dream big and be content at the same time?

There comes a point in your life, that one second, that everything you've known loses its meaning. Like a slowmo fading of everything around you. Time stops. And everything floats. . . slowly . . . and in deafening silence.

No kidding.

You'll get that feeling at some point. But just as that one second is about to end, everything snaps back. Regaining the vivid colors. Moving in real time. It seems as though your life slips right back to normal.

But it doesn't.

It's a lie.

Nothing is the same, and you will feel it.

The things that mattered, just lost their meaning. And all that seemed irrelevant, is just right about your life now. This is THE point. The turning point. The change of phase. The culmination of all that you've known since you were born. The epiphany.

They say that maturity takes time. And it does. But all those that you learn. Will lock itself like the last piece of a puzzle. Like the last piece of robot. When you reach that 60 milliseconds I told you about. All of them will burst inside your head, and cover your brain with a new shade of paint. That's the color of maturity. You are now ripe. You are a new you. And all the trivial things that you cared for. Will be useless. Will be nothing. Because what matters now. Are really all the things that you didn't understand before. Or just didn't care for.

This happened to me last night. I mean a little over 3am a while ago. I took one breath. And just when I exhaled. I knew everything was different. Nothing changed. But nothing's the same.

And I'm loving it.

Do you want me to share what I think are the things that changed?

You might laught at me. Seriously.

Because your guess. Is only as good as mine.

I see things now in a different light.

I still see everything. But like a dark room with only a light bulb. I can only see a few clearly. And those I see. Are the things that I used to not.

But I still see everything.

My first ever question. Can dreaming and contentment. Be done simultaneously?

I have been thinking about it since I woke up. I still do not know the answer. Its making me crazy, actually. Funny, because I told myself. Does it matter?

The question is not whether it can be done.

The question is.

Do you really see everything?