Saturday, April 28, 2012

Chapter Two

I've been part of the not-in-a-relationship world for about 6 months now. That's half a year for my Chapter One. For the purpose of my melodramatic corny mood, let's name that chapter, The Aftermath.

And how has it been? Not bad. It's been great. :) Work is enriching, and the people I'm with are a handful of morons. Morons like me, morons that make me laugh, morons that I love. My worklife really has been a blessing, keeping me busy and teaching me to enjoy life.

Ze Morons

I honestly feel like a teenager all over again. Wait scrap that. I feel like I'm only being a teenager now. I haven't really been this free, this sociable, and easygoing. It's such an accomplishment that I've been drinking (do not paint a wasted girl's picture yet, I have good control -- which is kind of a bummer when i feel like drinking to get really wasted, if you ask me.) out and having dinners/tambay with workmates on weekdays, spontaneous dinners with my bestfriends, and talking more with friends that I've lost touch with since I've been in a relationship. 

In retrospect, I was a good lover, but a terrible friend. And I will never let that happen again. When I enter into a new relationship, I'll make sure to still get my friends up in the picture. But we're getting ahead of ourselves here...

I like what one of my bosses said when he learned that I "just" got out of a 4andahalf year relationship. "Okay lang yan. I-enjoy mo lang."

It's the simplest, most uncomplicated advice I have received, but he said it at such a timing that I was able absorb its most bare meaning. I-enjoy mo lang. And that's what I am doing now.

I am not the type of person to enjoy life through mixers, dating, or "meeting new people" in random (or not so random) places. That's just not me. I prefer the organic way of things. The slow growth of feelings, developing something that wasn't really intended, knowing that bonds have been formed beneath just the romance. I'm a romantic like that. May or may not be obvious IRL though. Hihi.

So when I say enjoying, it's really more of being able to look at life with nothing to worry about. I have the world in my hands. I will be turning 25 later this year and I am lucky that I am enjoying and experiencing life at this phase. I feel like my decisions matter more, what I say and do have legit consequences, and that I am a part of the world and the world is a part of me. 

Why end Chapter One at 6months? Because I was able to talk with ex just last night. 

I recently marched at UP to officiallize (such a word?) my graduation even though I've been working for about 5 months now. To cut the story short, I was inviting some of my batchmates/orgmates to go out for dinner and catchup. My graduation is a good excuse to force that. Haha. One of my orgmates wanted ex to come, and of course, knowing that ex and I are okay now, I texted him. oh wait. I think I have to define "ex and I are okay now" first.

The details are unimportant, but I forgot to tell you about us meeting earlier this year to return a few things to each other. No, it's not like those cheesy gift-returning things. He gave back my external optical drive and 2 books, and I returned his book too. These are important things. Haha. The meetup was good, we updated each other about our lives/work, and it was at this meetup where I realized that we really are better friends than lovers. To make you understand it more, pareho kaming may pagka-gago. Haha. The friend connection is still there even though the romantic side has ended. I'm proud that we're mature that way.

Fast forward to our conversation last night. The biggest update I received was that --- he now has a new girlfriend.

How would you react to that? Seriously, do not continue reading yet. Think about it, and try to think of how to process that kind of news.

Reacting isn't too easy, no? I was surprised. I didn't really expect the news, but I later realized that it's no longer my business. Now this may sound hypocritical, but I am sincerely happy he's happy now.

He was apologetic for a couple of texts, and I would understand why he is. He said he was feeling guilty of having a new girlfriend before I had a new boyfriend, and that 6 months is too short of a time. I would think that too, I guess. But thinking about it, I've already moved on too. And the only difference is that I am in a relationship with the world. 

I know he's sincere with it. He's a good guy. But I wanted to free him from that feeling, because really, aside from and more than the fact that I've moved on myself, what he does no longer concerns me.

We had a good talk about it, and I am happy that we had the conversation. I remember How I Met Your Mother's "No Pressure" episode. This moment reminded me of Ted's realization about his relationship with Robin. It's done, and it's the official step that we had to have. Here and now is a good place and time. I am thankful for exactly this minute, this second.

"'s like making a new chapter even more official. i feel so free. congrats to us. ... am excited for our own lives. :) ..."

A line from our exchanges.

We both agreed that the talk really made us more comfortable with each other, that we are both happy in our separate ways now. Wala nang awkward moments. 

Ending things without a clear reason is always a difficult thing. Difficult because the acceptance stage will linger a while longer, because you do not know exactly what you are accepting. But the thing that I probaly picked up from this is that not everything needs a reason. I am one of those logical people who always relies on reason more than intuition; so you could just imagine me trying to figure things out. But in the end, knowing the reason no longer matters. It's about valuing your life and not being trapped in a world that no longer exists. You paint your world, so pick up the bright colors.

It's like watching one of those investigation shows, and the case ends up not being solved. It's difficult to move on from, you formulate theories, obssess about it for some time, but you eventually forget it and move on. It's a more interesting story, in my opinion. And you learn more from it, because you get to look at a lot of angles. It makes for good growth.

We are now completely free from each other. And I am looking forward to meeting the one for me. :)

"The first guideline in using your time wisely is to remember that today is the most important day of your life. If you live in the past, there is no hope for the future; if you live in the future, there is no hope for today. Tomorrow may never come, the past is a matter of record, but today lies in your grasp. If you would use today wisely, you must remember that time doesn't slip through your hand an hour at a time. It trickles through your fingers a second at a time. Make up your mind that every second is important." - Dr. Harold Sala

Chapter 2, here we go.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

March of April

So I finally graduate from college, officially! I've been working for a good 5 months now so going back to UP to finally march on stage elicits some mix of emotions.

I miss UP, UP Engg, my friends, classmates, orgmates, favorite eating spots, "ate mainlib" where i used to always eat, "kuyate" (because we don't know if s/he's a kuya or an ate) from Beach House, etc. I miss UP. The culture, the people.

I cried when the dedication video prepared by the Engg Student Council for the graduating batch was played. Spot on. Good job ESC.

It was nice to see my profs, some batchmates (because my orig batchmates graduated last year), and classmates. To be within the green campus. See Oble. Get dehydrated out of heat. Stand for a few hours to wait for the start of the ceremony. Sweat. Smile. Take pictures.

I will forever be thankful to UP. You taught me a lot. And most of it are the things I learned outside of the classroom. Thank you for shaping me to what I am now: part strong, part soft, part nice, part bitch, part friendly, part shy, part bold, part critical. And mostly smart. oops. :)

Thank you for the people I met. The relationships I formed. The failures and successes that you so kindly put me through. 

I will forever be thankful. I owe you a lot. Honor and Excellence, I promise to always uphold. 

In my own way, I promise that you'll be proud of me.

Thank you UP. Thank you UP Engg. It was a nice journey. The ride was epic.
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