Thursday, November 17, 2011

Pink 5ive

I guess I felt it. The slow loss of your warmth. But I never really wanted to see it, as I always only thought of it as you being tired with work. And of course, you had all the right to be tired. So I wanted just to be there massaging you when you have headaches, or gliding my fingers through your hair as I fix it; even though you look amazing whether or not you comb.

It's all my fault; I now realize.

Realizations only come when we are somewhere between the stages of being hurt and moving on. It's when we're a little past that stage of sudden crying while taking a bath, commuting, or eating; and right at the start of the phase of being strong and regrouping your life.

Then you ask yourself, "are these realizations, absolute truths, or my truths?"

I remember you in everything that I do. I walk around Megamall and remember our dates; I eat at World Chicken and I think of our usual order. Heck, my bed sheets now are a gift from your parents. But I take them all in. I close my eyes and savor the memories, and try to smile as I fight my tears.

Am I now really starting to regroup? Am I actually able to stand up from this in less than a month? I do not have a choice. I may be rushing into healing that I only get to put band aids on my wounds without really cleaning and treating them. But. The world won't wait for me. I gotta keep up.

It doesn't really matter. Whatever gets you going, whatever will help you become a better person, and whatever will help you heal your shattered heart, is all the truth you need. Trust yourself in knowing what you did right and what you did wrong. And it will be easier to move along with truths that are accepted by the heart and mind.

Acceptance. You acknowledge, you nod. And you hope that it may change. You accept, you embrace. And let go of your own ways. I still cry and get sad every now and then. I acknowledge that. But for now, the world leaves me with no choice but to a life that is to start from scratch.

And I embrace it.

Freewriting while idle earlier in the afternoon. Started this trail of thought when I heard Silent Sanctuary's "Pink 5ive" play on the radio, hence the title.

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