Friends Out of Convenience.

Relationships out of convenience.

I have this internal battle of 2 concepts going on in my head, for the past few... minutes. Past 15 minutes maybe. I wanted to tweet about it but I couldn't express my thoughts in less than 140 characters, so I shall go freewriting instead. Mind exercise.

"Friends, relationships, out of convenience."

I've only recently been introduced to this perspective. I didn't really look at things this way; and now that I know this angle, it's a pain to reconcile it with my past (I mean current) outlook. I like this and I like my old (current!) one also. Deym.

This "relationships out of convenience" idea says that the people in my circle are precisely the people in my circle because they just happened to be there. *I am so not eloquent right now.* I mean, my friends just became my friends because we happened to be seated side by side by side during the first day of school. Or because we all got hired for work at the same time for the same type of post. Or because we ended up as groupmates after being randomly grouped by the prof. That it all happened and developed out of convenience.

It's been introduced to me at a negative connotation, that I do not put myself out there "enough" so I only get to know people who happen to come cross my path. (note that they cross/ed my path, not us meeting halfway) There's nothing wrong there, I think, but let's just say I could be more there.

So what does it clash with in my pre-idea-explained-above self?

I've mentioned it in passing in my Chapter Two post.

"I am not the type of person to enjoy life through mixers, dating, or "meeting new people" in random (or not so random) places. That's just not me. I prefer the organic way of things."

That's pretty much it. But just to cook the idea more, my belief is that I do what I want to do, I do not do what I do not want to do, and I don't care. *not eloquent today. yes yes?* I mean, I like it organic. Nothing forced. Nothing out of my convenience.

Goodness, I think this is what others call "fate".

Right?

And I'd really rather not call it that, fate, because I do not believe in it (in its dictionary definition). I say I make my own fate. So if I decided to sit on that exact chair, fate did not bring me there. I brought me there. There's self empowerment and self direction and all that other self worth shiz underneath that backs up such belief, so it really isn't more "fate" as it is "wanting things to develop on its own."

Right?

I don't know.

And then there's just no reconciling it with having faith, in God's plan, that everything has a purpose. Which is it?

Still don't know.

Is this a cultural conlfict? Just a difference in upbringing?

My "conservative" (and I am using the word loosely here) preference versus the "I am young and up for adventures" side of self. That after I've known the rules, I get to play some game. It's just difficult to play it, right? After just knowing how to do it, to actually doing it. .  .  . And again I digress.

...

Regroup regroup. My thoughts are all over.


I think what I'm trying to harmonize here is that I like things to go to the direction that they do without me steering the wheel too much. I let it take its course, and I don't actively turn it blindly. And then there's the idea of not wanting to be limited. I want to know my roads, I want to see where I could be, whether or not I drive it there. And I could, if I wanted to, so I want to see those possibilities.


I still do not know if I am making sense.


Thank you for being boggled with me. Or if you're not, thoughts please? :)


And just so we all know where all this blab is coming from, all of these things are a product of some insights exchange with an officemate. We come from different backgrounds so there's a lot to learn from each other's side, one of them this whole trail. And yes, we were mostly talking about romantic relationships (bet you knew that already), because i'm single and officemate's not.


Cool to have new perspectives. Sorta twists your own. Good and bad. Good and Bad. :)

Today's Letter

August 26, 2012

Dear Friend,

Today I went to UST to accompany my brother for his USTET. Itay had a prior appointment so he couldn't take him, so my sister and I had to. I didn't want to at first but I figured it was an opportunity to go back to UST. I studied there for a year before I transferred to UP, and the last time I visited was when I was in my second year at UP. I used to always attend Paskuhan there with my ex-classmates. It's a Christmas thing/program of UST, something like the UP Fair but different. But it's an equivalent.

My sister took this photo of me, and I tweeted it. 

My tweet said "Windy UST." I miss rhyming words. I don't know why I had to tweet that, maybe I'm narcissistic. But I sincerely hope I'm not.

Brother said the exam was "okay"; he had difficulty answering science more than math. I taught him a few ~basic algebra concepts 10minutes before we left the house, just to make sure he has something to remember when he needs to. And to catch up on my guilt trip because I didn't teach him at all for UPCAT. I hope he passes.

---

2 weeks ago I went to tagaytay with my UP friends. I'd normally just refer to them as my college friends but since I told you about my first year being spent at UST, I didn't want you to get mixed up.

The original plan was for us to have an overnight somewhere, whether South or North. But I wasn't allowed by my parents because that was the week that the habagat just hit Luzon and it was I guess unsafe. I understand their decision. So the new plan was to then just have a day trip, Sunday of that week.

Saturday night I texted them for the meetup details. We still haven't decided where exactly we were going. 30 minutes later, they called me. 

"Hulaan mo kung nasaan kami." 

"I hate youuuuuuuu!"

They went to Laguna without me. I wasn't really thrilled by it, but they said that I could just follow them there by Sunday morning. That got me really excited. I have not ridden a bus province-bound, on my own. I liked the idea. It's an adventure before the adventure day trip.

They taught me the commute details and everything was set. I left the house at around 4am, and got at the bus station by 5. My parents were okay with it, I told them I was going with my friends to have a day trip at Laguna. I was actually surprised I didn't get a lot of questions.

The best part about the ride was the fact that I met a really nice girl, my bus seatmate. I asked her about the payment details of the bus, and how long the travel time was to my destination. We ended up talking the whole bus ride, approximately an hour and a half. Her name's Kristinasol, or Kristina Sol, I don't really remember if it's one name or not. The "Kristina" part of her name was random, mainly because her grandmother didn't approve of Katrina (I think because it wasn't on the Bible). "Sol" is her aunt's name, because her aunt won the bet that her mother was pregnant of a girl and not a boy. I find that story more cool than funny. I admire parents who name their children randomly, because it takes a lot of courage to do that. My parents obviously had it the other way around, to name me Ghoent must've taken ~time to be as it is. But I admire them for that as well, because they reasoned and really thought about it.

I think I know a lot about Katrina Sol more than I know some aquaintances from school or work. I found out that she's from UP as well, and we are about the same age. Her first degree is BS Agriculture from UPLB, and now she's taking up a second degree at UP Diliman, Linguistics I think. It's amazing that I can still remember these details even if this happened two weeks ago. She's focusing on Japanese ling, and I know this because we talked about her handouts that I saw her reviewing. She had a test pending the resumption of classes. It's refreshing to see someone review notes on their way back home. I mean it's normal to review on your way to school, but when you see someone review on the way home, that's something. She said she didn't want to get bored along the way, but I think she's just really a good student. 

She showed me a box that was giftwrapped in a special Japanese way, and told me about her buying the fabric at some store that sold them cheaper, instead of getting bandanas that were priced 4times more expensive. We talked about groupings, how she gets away with introducing herself as a freshman. She's petite and pretty at that. And she is on her first year after all.

We also talked about her family. She was on her way to Laguna to have a "family meeting", and she said they've always had family meetings since she was eight. And she was always aware of family happenings, if they had or didn't have money, etc etc. They scheduled a family meeting that day at Jollibee, because of the Habagat. Apparently their house was greatly affected so they couldn't even meet there. But she was happy that her family's safe, and I was happy they were too.

It was a great start of the morning, really, because we talked so much that when my friends asked me where I was, I would reply 10minutes late because Sol and I were talking a lot. Even the kondoktor became our friend because I kept on asking him if my stop was already near.

When I finally had to leave, we just said goodbye and thanked each other for the nice ride. It's the first time I've really talked to a stranger, and everything felt pleasant. It was a good morning.

---

I then met with my friends and we decided to go to Tagaytay, at People's Park in the Sky. We did a lot of talking, got lost because google maps wasn't aware that he recommended a route that involved a private subdivision. We took a lot of pictures when we got there. Here are a few:

We went back to Manila after that. We were tired and all the pictures and road conversations and breakfast and lunch conversations were all enough for us. It was a really good day.

---

It's a long weekend so I don't have work tomorrow. Too bad our supposed Monday get together with my workmates got cancelled. Well, next time.

There always is a next time anyway. Right?

Love always,

Ghoent

-----

I'm currently reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower, so you guys know how this entry is patterned to it. I am really liking the book. :) I'm almost done, but I'm trying not to finish it just yet because it's a great read. The book had the main character Charlie describe one of the books he read (it was Charlie's professor, actually) as "Easy to read but difficult to read well."

This book's not far from that. It's a light read, but I know everything means so much more than it does up front. And I'm taking my time in realizing all those. I'm really appreciating it. :)

For the girls out there, here's one of my favorites:

It's like he would take a photograph of Sam, and the photograph would be beautiful. And he would think that the reason the photograph was beautiful was because of how he took it. If I took it, I would know that the only reason it's beautiful is because of Sam.

I just think it's bad when a boy looks at a girl and thinks that the way he sees the girl is better than the girl actually is.

---

This entry's so long. I should've probably broken it down to two or three letters/entries.

Chapter Two

I've been part of the not-in-a-relationship world for about 6 months now. That's half a year for my Chapter One. For the purpose of my melodramatic corny mood, let's name that chapter, The Aftermath.

And how has it been? Not bad. It's been great. :) Work is enriching, and the people I'm with are a handful of morons. Morons like me, morons that make me laugh, morons that I love. My worklife really has been a blessing, keeping me busy and teaching me to enjoy life.

Ze Morons

I honestly feel like a teenager all over again. Wait scrap that. I feel like I'm only being a teenager now. I haven't really been this free, this sociable, and easygoing. It's such an accomplishment that I've been drinking (do not paint a wasted girl's picture yet, I have good control -- which is kind of a bummer when i feel like drinking to get really wasted, if you ask me.) out and having dinners/tambay with workmates on weekdays, spontaneous dinners with my bestfriends, and talking more with friends that I've lost touch with since I've been in a relationship. 

In retrospect, I was a good lover, but a terrible friend. And I will never let that happen again. When I enter into a new relationship, I'll make sure to still get my friends up in the picture. But we're getting ahead of ourselves here...

I like what one of my bosses said when he learned that I "just" got out of a 4andahalf year relationship. "Okay lang yan. I-enjoy mo lang."

It's the simplest, most uncomplicated advice I have received, but he said it at such a timing that I was able absorb its most bare meaning. I-enjoy mo lang. And that's what I am doing now.

I am not the type of person to enjoy life through mixers, dating, or "meeting new people" in random (or not so random) places. That's just not me. I prefer the organic way of things. The slow growth of feelings, developing something that wasn't really intended, knowing that bonds have been formed beneath just the romance. I'm a romantic like that. May or may not be obvious IRL though. Hihi.

So when I say enjoying, it's really more of being able to look at life with nothing to worry about. I have the world in my hands. I will be turning 25 later this year and I am lucky that I am enjoying and experiencing life at this phase. I feel like my decisions matter more, what I say and do have legit consequences, and that I am a part of the world and the world is a part of me. 

Why end Chapter One at 6months? Because I was able to talk with ex just last night. 

I recently marched at UP to officiallize (such a word?) my graduation even though I've been working for about 5 months now. To cut the story short, I was inviting some of my batchmates/orgmates to go out for dinner and catchup. My graduation is a good excuse to force that. Haha. One of my orgmates wanted ex to come, and of course, knowing that ex and I are okay now, I texted him. oh wait. I think I have to define "ex and I are okay now" first.

Rewind:

The details are unimportant, but I forgot to tell you about us meeting earlier this year to return a few things to each other. No, it's not like those cheesy gift-returning things. He gave back my external optical drive and 2 books, and I returned his book too. These are important things. Haha. The meetup was good, we updated each other about our lives/work, and it was at this meetup where I realized that we really are better friends than lovers. To make you understand it more, pareho kaming may pagka-gago. Haha. The friend connection is still there even though the romantic side has ended. I'm proud that we're mature that way.

Fast forward to our conversation last night. The biggest update I received was that --- he now has a new girlfriend.

How would you react to that? Seriously, do not continue reading yet. Think about it, and try to think of how to process that kind of news.

Reacting isn't too easy, no? I was surprised. I didn't really expect the news, but I later realized that it's no longer my business. Now this may sound hypocritical, but I am sincerely happy he's happy now.

He was apologetic for a couple of texts, and I would understand why he is. He said he was feeling guilty of having a new girlfriend before I had a new boyfriend, and that 6 months is too short of a time. I would think that too, I guess. But thinking about it, I've already moved on too. And the only difference is that I am in a relationship with the world. 

I know he's sincere with it. He's a good guy. But I wanted to free him from that feeling, because really, aside from and more than the fact that I've moved on myself, what he does no longer concerns me.

We had a good talk about it, and I am happy that we had the conversation. I remember How I Met Your Mother's "No Pressure" episode. This moment reminded me of Ted's realization about his relationship with Robin. It's done, and it's the official step that we had to have. Here and now is a good place and time. I am thankful for exactly this minute, this second.

"...it's like making a new chapter even more official. i feel so free. congrats to us. ... am excited for our own lives. :) ..."

A line from our exchanges.

We both agreed that the talk really made us more comfortable with each other, that we are both happy in our separate ways now. Wala nang awkward moments. 

Ending things without a clear reason is always a difficult thing. Difficult because the acceptance stage will linger a while longer, because you do not know exactly what you are accepting. But the thing that I probaly picked up from this is that not everything needs a reason. I am one of those logical people who always relies on reason more than intuition; so you could just imagine me trying to figure things out. But in the end, knowing the reason no longer matters. It's about valuing your life and not being trapped in a world that no longer exists. You paint your world, so pick up the bright colors.

It's like watching one of those investigation shows, and the case ends up not being solved. It's difficult to move on from, you formulate theories, obssess about it for some time, but you eventually forget it and move on. It's a more interesting story, in my opinion. And you learn more from it, because you get to look at a lot of angles. It makes for good growth.

We are now completely free from each other. And I am looking forward to meeting the one for me. :)

"The first guideline in using your time wisely is to remember that today is the most important day of your life. If you live in the past, there is no hope for the future; if you live in the future, there is no hope for today. Tomorrow may never come, the past is a matter of record, but today lies in your grasp. If you would use today wisely, you must remember that time doesn't slip through your hand an hour at a time. It trickles through your fingers a second at a time. Make up your mind that every second is important." - Dr. Harold Sala

Chapter 2, here we go.

March of April

So I finally graduate from college, officially! I've been working for a good 5 months now so going back to UP to finally march on stage elicits some mix of emotions.

I miss UP, UP Engg, my friends, classmates, orgmates, favorite eating spots, "ate mainlib" where i used to always eat, "kuyate" (because we don't know if s/he's a kuya or an ate) from Beach House, etc. I miss UP. The culture, the people.

I cried when the dedication video prepared by the Engg Student Council for the graduating batch was played. Spot on. Good job ESC.

It was nice to see my profs, some batchmates (because my orig batchmates graduated last year), and classmates. To be within the green campus. See Oble. Get dehydrated out of heat. Stand for a few hours to wait for the start of the ceremony. Sweat. Smile. Take pictures.

I will forever be thankful to UP. You taught me a lot. And most of it are the things I learned outside of the classroom. Thank you for shaping me to what I am now: part strong, part soft, part nice, part bitch, part friendly, part shy, part bold, part critical. And mostly smart. oops. :)

Thank you for the people I met. The relationships I formed. The failures and successes that you so kindly put me through. 

I will forever be thankful. I owe you a lot. Honor and Excellence, I promise to always uphold. 

In my own way, I promise that you'll be proud of me.

Thank you UP. Thank you UP Engg. It was a nice journey. The ride was epic.

Philippine fields forever

Hello there! (the angel from my nightmare.. sorry had to sing hohoho.)

Am currently here at Pangasinan for work. This month our MT program involves us doing fieldwork. Was assigned under the North team *jackpot!* so i get to travel up north and explore (di naman. nadaanan lang. drama lang ang "explore") norte. That's an "at last!" check for me as I really don't get to travel much. And since sagot ni company ang accommodations and food, well halo! Nakangiti ang bulsa at katauhan ko. Hmmmyey!

We've been going to the different areas of Nueva Ecija and Pangasinan, visiting stations and talking to dealers (of stations, dear friend) and doing our job. Dapat lang naman di ba. Hah. One thing's for sure. The stations in the provinces (to where I've been to, at least) are way better than our branches in Manila. By "better" i mean they look cleaner, are a lot bigger, and have that "maaliwalas" look since the sun shines brighter doon (dito) (chos).

I will post a few photos next time. Am too lazy to transfer files from ze phone to laptop. Just wanted to write an entry dahil ambilis ng internet dito sa Regency Hotel (Pangasinan)! Pero it's not a beautiful place (harsh ghoent!!). Greenland Leisure Suites in Nueva Ecija, where we stayed last night, was gorgeous (taray!)! I posted a few photos from there in my previous entry, but will look for more shots on my phone to share. Hihi.

I really hope I can get to travel more this year. My roadtrip adventures this month made me realize and re-realize that

(1) I suck at Philippine geography
(2) Cowboy mode is always a handy trait
(3) I haven't been to a lot of places (manila area included)
(4) I really like photography
(5) I love the Philippines

Grade 4 palang ako, alam ko nang mahina ako sa geography. I will never forget, naka-line of 7 ako sa Philippine geography nung grade 4. My teacher had to talk to me (dahil nadisqualify ako sa something something because of this) and i cried (a crybaby here!). I have no plans of memorizing our map, but being more familiar with what goes up north and what goes down south is a good start. Naman.

Am a cowboy and a girly-girl. I get that every now and then. Chameleon lang ang peg oha. Its nice to be able to be both, so I get to do and enjoy more things. Char. (I think idagdag narin natin ang bading sa listahan ng multiple personalities ko)

I.must.change.this. Manila, and all (wish lang naman, pangarap) of the Philippines, I will try to conquer a few of your kingdoms this year!

Thank you dear cellphone. I have no budget for a "nice" camera right now but your services are much appreciated. Cheers to more photos ahead!

This one is a giveaway. Ang puso ko will always be with the Philippines, kahit na maraming "kahit na" na karugtong ang sentence na to. Karinyong brutal and trato ko sa Pilipinas pero still, it's a form of love! <3

2012, please cooperate! I have high hopes. <3

Spikes of appreciation

Shiz. It's been 2 months since I last wrote here! Sorry for neglecting you dear blog, you know how lazy I can get sometimes.

So, how are ya?

----

Thank you digital diary. You don't accumulate cobwebs nor dust else I would've been even more lazy to "clean" you up and make an entry. Hey, low maintenance. What a catch.

You've missed a lot since the last time I updated you. Sorry about that. Adventures, late nights, work, and some little things that make my life interestingly normal. Take note. I have a few "late nights" whipped under my bank of memories now. Am still the same cinderella but ze parents are a little more lenient now (i think). Dang ang saya pala!

The thing about my work now is that the thing I like about it is pretty much the same thing that I don't like about it. This just says how much of a walking contradiction I am. And how much I use the word thing. dumbwordalert.

Work is spontaneous -- in terms of schedule, of what we do. Almost day to day, lucky if we know exactly what's in for next week. And i love that! Before reality (ghoent code: reality = life after school; hence Jump to Reality) fell from the sky and into my lap, I was as OC and stiff as your typical control freak. But I like contradicting myself and have recently started to learn to always explore new things, to appreciate new perspectives. And this is really something that I am enjoying now.

Am learning so much more with this "yes man" attitude. Thankfully my work is cultivating this seed in me, making me enjoy life better and experience the most trivial "adventures" that kids today get to do without a hiccup. Although I must admit, I don't always love this setup. My old ways of liking structure and planning is still very much in my veins; and I have no plans of completely removing that. So it can get a little frustrating when I can't commit to things because my current list of priorities places work on top of the list. Ya know. Responsable mode on syempre.

Bottomline though: I love my work. Where I am now. And the people around me. Work's too happy it's scary. Been having that thought meddle with my good vibes recently, counterintuitive if you think about it. But seriously, I am enjoying exactly where I am now, that Iv'e been brushed to this direction by north and south winds; those that I tried to go against and those where I completely let myself go and just embraced.

I guess what im saying here is. I am at a place where there's so much to be thankful for. So, thank you.

Thank you, more please. If you will.


--
photos by me, from my trustee cam phone (as always). photoshopped, of  course.